i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
