How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
