He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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