Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
