dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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