just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
