i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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