I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
