Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
