My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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