It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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