my soul wont recognize me after tonight
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize