well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
