The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
