Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
New. Vanessa hudgens nude pics
That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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