So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
