dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
