I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
