You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I smell stomach acid.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
