Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
