he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
