Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
