If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize