How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
