I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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