How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
