So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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