and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
