Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
