this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
50% drunk capacity currently
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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