There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize