and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
I intend to get homeless drunk
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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