are you so shy because you have an std?
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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