Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
We're too hungover to prance.
Randomize
