The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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