Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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