you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
