Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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