I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
