First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize