Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
