Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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