Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
