I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
it was like eating out sand paper
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize