A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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