I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
NoShamevember. You game?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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