how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
