I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
my liver is dry heaving
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
