You're my little dorito
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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