Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
