turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
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