I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
