remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
