i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
