i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
