Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
There r osticjed everywhere
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
