Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Drunk is not a location!
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
