he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize